Who I Was!

Looking back on how things were i can really see a difference. Ive always had that attitude of not caring , and sometimes still put on that front so people wont see how i truly feel or whats going on with me. Times when i feel alone , just holding it in until i finally explode into having suicidal thoughts , the suicidal mind of wanting to cut or hurt myself not knowing the real reason why. People telling me to contract for safety , works for a little then comes right back to the same behaviors. Leading me to be in holly hill , staying there didnt know what was going to happen next , wheather i would go back home or flee some where else , GONE! disappeared not even getting to know the people that actually cared about me. But at the same time not trusting anyone that came to sight. Feeling that people didnt understand and feeling no one could help me in the community. Crying all day and night thinking of the negative things that got me in thia depressed mode. Losing my mind . Thinking i was crazy and going insane not listening to the clues the good life was giving me or that was being thrown at me. Wanting to fight away all the good things and wanting to stay in a negative state , thinking of things that could saverely hurt me or to the point where it could actually kill me. Feeling fat over weight not seeing the self confidence about myself. Feeling laughed at , talked about , worthless , to the point where i couldnt take it anymore. Hurting again! Not meaning to.  But to let the pain flow through my body and my mind as to get rid of the food inside of me ….. Living life as if it was a joke. Had to regain the trust in myself to have good feelings and thoughts about myself. Thinking that life couldnt and would never get any worse than this.